


Epilogue: Jackson

by Blank_Ji



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ellie Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), F/F, Gen, Healing, Hopeful Ending, I Love My Babies, Other, Post-Game(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The ending that Ellie fucking deserves, fight me, revamp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:35:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25067023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blank_Ji/pseuds/Blank_Ji
Summary: SPOILERS TLOU Part IIDina fixed her a glare that lacks the poison. “And why the fuck should I even care?”“You shouldn’t,” being this close, she can’t help but notice how slightly puff out Dina’s eyes are and her heart tugged at the sight. “But, you deserve to know the truth. And I won't...I promise you'll never have to see me again."---Or, Ellie goes back home. To Dina and JJ.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 55
Kudos: 315
Collections: Best I’ve read





	1. Author's Note

Sorry, I just had to let this all out first. Skip this chapter if you don't want to read my rant (which is NOT pro-Abby btw. No offence to the voice/body actress of course but the Abby character that ND create in the game).

So, I finished the game five days ago since I wrote this. And now, finally, I can process what I feel about TLOU Part II.

I liked it. A lot.

I couldn’t sleep after I finished it (at 2.30 AM), gave me a headache afterwards. It fucked me up real bad and I was devastated by what Ellie had to go through.

When I finally get the game safely in my hands, I was pretty excited despite what everyone says. (I didn’t really know of the backlash back then since I’ve been avoiding the spoilers and everything concerning the game like the plague. I wanted to have no bias or prior judgment of what people might’ve said before I can decide it for myself.) So, here I go with a smile on my face when I played the first hour of the playthrough. It went alright so far. Beautiful scenery, great beginning story when they show us Joel and Ellie bonding over the guitar. And then of the lives they had at Jackson. Of Jesse, Dina and the snowball fights.

And then, I had to control Abby. I was confused and a bit annoyed, ngl. I didn’t know this character. Didn’t care about her in any way and suddenly I had to navigate my way for her to get inside Jackson? WTH? Where are my girl Ellie and my man Joel? And when Abby kills Joel, tortured and killed him slowly, (Fuck!) I now know where the hate came from.

I know why NaughtyDog decided to kill Joel. I understand it really. I honestly thought that Dina would be the one that gets killed. But, it wouldn’t weigh as much as Joel, the man that we love and root for in the first game. (I just wished that they didn’t have to butcher him so early on and so stupidly. Joel letting his guard down with a bunch of armed strangers? Really? He’s smarter than that!). So, Ellie going on a vengeance spree is really in character. Hell, I was pretty excited myself when we get to Seattle and I can finally play as Ellie.

Fuck Abby! I’m going to kill her and kill everyone that gets in my way!

But, of course, things didn’t go that way. After Nora, I was starting to feel bad. Not because the woman’s dead but because how much it broke Ellie. She made her talk. And torturing someone can damage and fucked you up as bad (or worse, since you’re alive) as the victim. Unless you’re a psychotic maniac *cough*Abby*cough*. And it got worse when Ellie accidentally killed Mel and the baby. Though really, it was self-defence in my opinion.

If I was pregnant and someone with a gun threatened me, I would beg first and attack later. But, no, Mel is strong and can get the upper hand. Mel must have thought; hey, what could go wrong with me and the fetus in my belly if I were to jump at the desperate girl with a gun?

Seriously, Mel. You hated Abby, so why Mel? Why?

But whatever. Fuck Mel. Fuck Owen. Fuck Manny. I don’t care about any of them.

So when Tommy and Jesse save Ellie after and planned to go back home, I was inclined with the idea too. Ellie has been through so much and it wasn’t worth it. And then Abby happened. Goddamn it!

And the screen goes to black and I had to play as Abby?! Again?!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ND!!!

You expect me to forget that massive cliffhanger and lay back for a change of view at this moment?! Right after she killed Jesse, hurting Tommy and pointing a gun at Ellie?! Fucking really?!

Like everyone, I was forced to do just that. I go along as the story from Abby’s POV evolves. So, we get to meet her father, them saving a Zebra, her love interest, blah blah and more blah. I know where this is going and I’m not buying it. Even when I had to actually play, my excitement has died down by now. I don’t care to search for parts and supplies. I just want to get this over with so that I can get to Ellie again. But, it got harder to survive when you have no resources. And you don’t know just how much I let Abby died getting bitten and gunned down by the Seraphites. LOL.

Until one day, I decided I’m going to play properly. Screw Abby, I still hate her. But, I’m going to play properly. And I have to admit, the game experience is nice and challenging. I especially love the monster in the hospital. The Rat King Boss Fight. It was exhilarating. And the sky bridge and the Island burning to the ground was an experience. It was everything (and more) a survival game should be.

And before I know it, we’re getting closer to the event where we left off. And I was getting excited again. I thought I could play as Ellie but no, now I have to hunt down my girl and beat her bloody? Fuck you ND! And Fuck Abby for wanting to slit Dina’s throat even after knowing she’s pregnant. Lucky Lev is there. He’s the only other character that I’m starting to care about while playing Abby’s POV. Him and Yara. No one else.

The Farm. It was so damn sweet. Ellie was living the dream with Dina and JJ. Did they name their son after Jesse and Joel? Damn it, let me just cry in my corner. Ellie is trying her best to live a normal life. But, she just can’t. And when she left, I was sad and angry but I understand. So, let’s go kill the bitch and get this over with.

But when we finally got to it I find myself saying, no. I don’t want to kill Abby anymore. When Ellie got her pinned down, I was hoping for Ellie to stop. And it frustrates me to no end because I hated Abby with all my gut and yet I don’t want Ellie to finish her.

I don’t understand why at that time but now I think I know. When Ellie put that knife on Lev’s throat, I realized that’s not the Ellie that I know- That I love and support. She shouldn’t have threatened the kid. And when she finally got the upper hand and Abby would surely die, I was thinking what next? Will Ellie kill Lev too? Maybe she would just leave him there to rot and die. Or maybe by some miracle, he’d live, but then he would have no one by his side anymore. Much like Abby when Joel killed her father and much like Ellie when Abby killed Joel. And what if Lev decided to seek revenge later? Ultimately the vengeance will go on. The cycle will never end.

I want Ellie to stop because I want to save my girl. I want Ellie to realize killing Abby would not bring back Joel and I don’t want Ellie to lose any more of herself. I want her to go back home. To Dina and JJ. That’s what Joel would want for her baby girl. To live and be happy.

Overall, the game is splendid. And the story, well, not so much; but I think NaughtyDog succeed in making me feel what they wanted me to feel (emotionally traumatized). I still hated Abby though and her father too. Despite the Doctor doing what he thought was right. I still think it’s pretty fucked up to not ask consent from Ellie. They didn’t even wait for her to recover from the drowning or say her last goodbye to Joel. She has the right to know and to make the decision to sacrifice HER own life or not.

Joel did the right thing here, saving Ellie. Even if the Fireflies managed to produce a cure. I doubt they have what it takes to produce more for everyone. Even in the real world, with all the latest technology, we can’t still produce COVID-19 vaccine and to say they _can_ in a post-apocalyptic world is bullshit. And Abby saying if she’s immune, she would want the surgery—Oh, Fuck off Abby! You’re not immune, so shut it!

TLOU Part II has its flaws and beauties. And altogether it was a new gaming experience for me which I appreciate and applaud ND for. I love every moment when we get flashbacks of Joel and Ellie. The space station scene especially was achingly heartwarming. It was the best scene IMO. As some reviewers said, the game is a beautiful nightmare and a flawed masterpiece which I think captured the essence of the game perfectly.

That's why I liked it. A lot. And if I had to rate it, I would give it a 7/10. It could be a 10/10 only if they put more Joel and less Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will post my version of the Epilogue soon. Stay tuned. In the meantime, feel free to agree or disagree with my points above. What's your experience like playing the game?


	2. Epilogue: Jackson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the game ended at Jackson, not The Farm

The wind of the cool night breezes through the plains creating a serene whistle. The grasses down below glistened by the stars and moonlight. Ellie stood from up the hill overlooking the lights pouring out from the place where she had lived for the past five years.

The place that she knows most people by names and some by their faces. The place where Joel once lived and where she hopes that Dina and JJ had gone to.

Mindful of her steps, Ellie climbs down the hill. There is still aching at the side of her stomach despite the wound had properly healed weeks by now. It always ends up hurting more than she liked when she moves too fast or turns too much.

When she had tried to stitch it the second round, it was crooked and awful. But, it did its job and the bleeding stopped so she didn’t care about how ugly the scar looked after. Though now, she wonders if she might just permanently damage something in her haste and indifference.

It must be phantom pain, Ellie guessed. Much like her mutilated fingers, they sometimes tingled in a way that she would grimace—as if she needed a constant reminder of what else she had lost.

She stops walking and raises her palms up when shouting can be heard up the main gate. After calling out a response, the gates open wide a moment after. A young man comes out of it and escorts her inside and Ellie realizes late that he knows who she is as he rained her further with questions. But, she was too absorbed by the sight in front to pay any attention to what he’s saying.

Nothing has changed. The streets and houses look exactly the same as she left them before everything crumbles. Where Jesse would appear and lecture her for getting back late from patrol or when Joel would show up, excited with both Shimmer’s and Gunner’s reins in his hands to show a new place he discovered outside.

Her skin burns.

Coming back here was a mistake.

“You know where Maria is?” She croaked, unintentionally cutting him mid-sentence.

“Y-Yeah.” He stuttered, awkwardly shifting his stands. “I think she’s at Tipsy Bison.”

Ellie fights the urge to grimace. She’s not sure she had the strength to walk into a room full of people right now. But, she needs to know if Dina and JJ are alright and safe—if they’re really here. Even if her entire being is aching in pain that is too much for her to handle by the growing seconds. “Right,” She frowns and tries to focus at him again, still unable to put a name to the face. “Can I go?”

The young man blinks and finally nods. “I don’t see why you can’t. Welcome home, Ellie.” He said.

She forced a small smile in return of his genuine ones and watched him go back to his post where another much older man is staring at her curiously, a rifle leaning against his chest. She turns quickly and curses when another stinging pain shot at her side. Her arm cradled her stomach on instinct as she quickens her steps and ignores the growing hammering inside her chest.

But, it was futile.

Ellie wants to fucking laugh at the absurdity that she’s having a panic attack now. She decides she can’t handle meeting people, after all, especially Maria who is surely surrounded by more than one. She’s not ready.

At the busier road up ahead, she steered and rounded up another corner away from all the bustling and the life of Jackson. She lets the darkness of the night and the calming silence envelops her further. And gradually her heart beats slower and she’s finally able to breathe again.

With a deep sigh, she pulls the straps of her backpack and headed to a new direction. A few turns and corners later found her standing in front of Dina’s old place. It was a small lodge and there is light coming from inside and muffled whispers that she couldn’t hear properly because of the thick walls.

She raises her right hand and stopped mid-air. It trembles and she balls it into a fist before steeling and finally knocking the door.

The chatters inside stop and so do Ellie’s heart.

The door opens and instead of Dina, another woman Ellie doesn’t know stood behind it. A beautiful young woman with long wavy brunette hair and with a curious gaze.

Ellie swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth and force herself to speak up. “Uh…Hi, sorry to bother you. Is Dina here?”

“Dina? Who’s that?”

She glanced past her shoulder and notice a man sitting by the dining table with candles and beautiful flowers decorating in the middle. “She lives here—used to live here.”

“Oh,” The woman paused and studies Ellie over in thought. “Well, we actually just moved in less than a year ago. I remembered Maria told me the previous owner had moved out to a farm nearby. Maybe _Dina_ …is there?” she offered an honest attempt to help.

Ellie appreciates the kind gesture but it only serves as a reminder of what she had left behind. What she had given up. “Thanks.” She nods curtly and turns to leave.

If Dina’s not at her old place, then, there’s only one other place she could’ve gone. Her feet continue moving to another familiar street in autopilot, trying not to think the possibility of Dina and JJ not being there.

Before long, her worried thoughts vanished when she arrived at another much bigger house. She used to visit here on occasion. Jesse would invite her over for a movie night or a comic book collection he wanted to share which Dina always ends up joining, claiming she doesn’t want to be left out.

They always let her, of course. Neither can deny the girl’s wishes and appeals. Even if Dina always teased them for being such a dork.

The memories made Ellie’s skin prickle.

A sudden cry coming from inside broke her from her thoughts then. Her gaze flickers to a glass window at the front of the house. She moves closer to get a better look when she saw movements from inside. Her throat clogged up when green eyes find the woman she’s been dreaming of seeing—that she’s been missing these past six months, is there holding a crying baby.

Dina had her hair down. The black shine against the light and it looks much longer and voluminous. She looks beautiful in her baggy shirt and shorts as she paced back and forth cradling JJ—which looks like a much bigger spud now—in her arms, all the while making funny faces. JJ had long stopped crying because of it and instead, is giggling to his heart content at the absurdity of his Mama’s acts.

Ellie found herself smiling this time. The joy overpowered the burning of her skin as she basked the scene in front. Her heart swells and content.

Dina and JJ are safe. Her family is safe.

She doesn’t move to knock on the door this time around. Maybe this is better, Ellie thought. Dina and JJ can move on with their life without her. If it means that they would be free and happy like this, Ellie doesn’t care if she in fact ends up alone.

With one last glance at the two people that had occupied the space of her heart, Ellie walks away.

***

Instead of walking back to the main gate, Ellie goes to the cemetery.

She visits Jesse’s grave first, standing in front of his gravestone for a long while in silence while her mind is anything but.

After letting Abby go, Ellie remembered just sitting in the ocean and adding more salt into the already vast pool. She broke down and screamed. Wailing for the family that she lost and she had left behind. She cried until her throat burns. And then after, when she finally gets on the boat and on the road again, her sleep would mostly be accompanied by wet pillows and she would always wake up with tear-stained cheeks.

Standing by her friend’s grave now, the tingling underneath her skin only seems to magnify. Jesse always is a good friend—great even. Loyal and trustworthy. And as always, like everything else that is good in her life, he’s gone. Dead, because of her.

The silence of the night weighs heavily on her conscience and she finds herself agreeing to it. She reaches out and placed a lingering touch on his tombstone before moving on to another lot, across.

For a moment she does nothing but stares at the carving of the stone. _Joel Miller_. She imagined his smile. His voice when he sings. His twinkling eyes when she said her jokes. She can see them clearly now. She remembers them well.

Carefully, she settles down in front of Joel’s grave and sighs. “Hey, old man.” Only another drift of the cool wind whispers back. She unzips her backpack and took out a battered flask. The content sloshed around as she pours the coffee into a small cup and takes a small sip before grimacing. “It still tastes like shit, if you’re wondering.”

She pauses and looks down to her hands, still holding the cup of coffee. Small steam wafts off from the drink. Cautiously, she placed it on the uneven ground and against the tombstone. Satisfied when the cup didn’t spill Ellie leans at the side of the tomb next.

Her body sags as it finds purchase. The tension in her back and legs as she stretched them out in front, ease up. She had been walking non-stop from the Farm earlier today and now her exhaustion has finally caught up. Her arms wrapped around the backpack in front providing the extra warmth and comfort.

“Joel,” Ellie calls out in a soft whisper, eyes burning knowing no one is going to answer now. “I want you to know that I forgive you. For everything. And I— I’m sorry for taking so long to say this.” Tears flow a line down her face. “I wish I realized… I wish I said it sooner. I wish…” The words die in her throat. Regret and sorrow block up her entire being.

She closes her eyes and tilts her head to rest against the hard stone better, her chin on her shoulder as she tightens her hold around her backpack, trying to mask the tautness over her chest with its weight. The eyes behind her closed lids still sting and burn. But, she sees Joel, looking down at her with a smile. His arms envelop her frame as he pulls her to his chest. Warm and strong.

Ellie sinks further and further.

***

“Ellie,” Someone called and her body shakes.

“Hmm,” It takes her a few moments for her groggy mind and bleary eyes to clear. Her surroundings now brighter and sunnier, making her squints before she chooses to close them again, not ready to face the day yet.

“Ellie,” Another much demanding call.

She jolts this time. Her back straight and eyes focus in front. Any trace of sleep left her entirely. Finally, Ellie noticed the person who has been calling her. Maria, crouched down, her gaze—soft and welcoming. And there is another pair of legs behind the woman, Robin, Jesse’s father is standing there too.

She looks away, wanting to hide from their penetrating gaze and grimaced when her neck pulls a muscle.

_Ow, fuck me._

“You need help there?” Maria asked.

“Huh?” The older woman is now standing beside Robin, looking down and Ellie snaps out of it. “Oh, no… No, I got it.” With a contained groan, she pushes herself up, patting dirt off her jeans and dons her backpack last.

The silence after is deafening, at least for Ellie. The two people didn’t even bother hiding the way they examine her. Up and down. Concern and worry. She can’t take it anymore and musters her courage and meet their gaze.

“Hey,” She starts awkwardly. “Maria, Robin. How’re you doin’?”

Maria doesn’t say anything but closing the distance and wrapping her arms around her. “Jesus Christ, Ellie.” she breathes, tightening the hug. Hesitantly, Ellie returns the favour as the older woman mumbles another, “Jesus. God almighty.”

She never takes Maria to be so pious but people changed. So, maybe she is, now. Ellie was literally pulled out of her thoughts when the older woman pulls her away to look her in the face.

“When did you get back?” Her eyes now harden considerably.

Ellie blinks, suddenly feeling small. “Last night.”

“You spend the night in the cemetery?” Robin joins from the side, disbelief and something else she can’t pinpoint crosses his features.

Maria had moved away to give her some space though not by much, as she waits for an answer.

“Yeah… I guess I did.” Her hand rubs the still sore spot behind her neck.

The two only exchange a silent glance among themselves before Maria suddenly sighs and smiles though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “How 'bout we go and find breakfast?”

“I’m not really hungry.” More than that, Ellie wants to just lie down and rest for a little while longer.

“Maybe you can take her back home where there’s a bed. We did after all just disturb her sleep.” Robin said, locking a playful gaze on hers.

Despite everything, her mouth twitches into half a smile.

The older woman lightly shakes her head at the absurdity. “C’mon,” she nudges her head for Ellie to follow her.

“It’s good to have you back, Ellie.” Robin squeezes her shoulder assuringly.

Her heart aches to see Jesse’s smile there on the older man’s face. She nods a “Thanks,” and follows Maria’s trail. At the corner of her eye, Robin walks away to where Jesse’s grave is. Her grip on the straps of her backpack tightens considerably and she forced her feet to move along, finally joining Maria’s side.

The birds chirping can be heard from a distant, getting louder each minute and each step they take. “You okay if I take you to Joel’s instead? It’s nearer.” Maria broke the silence.

She tilts her head in surprise. “You still keep it?”

“Tommy asked me to. Figures when JJ’s a bit older, you and Dina would want to move back in Jackson.” Maria pauses an uncomfortable silence. “Well, before everything…”

“Oh,” A familiar aching comes in a wave right then. Her jagged fingers throb. “How’s Tommy?”

Another sigh and a longer pause. “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him for a while. He’s been livin' in his workshop by Oxley’s.” Maria’s gaze finds hers, suddenly serious. “He shouldn’t have asked you to go after her. He has no right—“

“ _He has_ …every right.” Ellie cuts in, hands curled protectively to hide the mutilated fingers. Both stopped in their track now as they face each other. “I did give him my word and I would’ve gone with or without his help anyway.”

The older woman doesn’t hide her disappointment. “So, you did it then?”

Ellie never get the chance of learning how to love a mother but caring about Maria is the closest thing that she has to it and she wants to tell the older woman everything that happened. All about it but not before Tommy. She has to tell him first. He deserves that at least. Green eyes focus again. “I did what I thought was right.”

The silence stretches as Maria waits to see if the young girl would elaborate. When she finds nothing of the sort, she sighs and starts walking again.

They exchange nothing else as Ellie matches the step. Her palms grow sweaty when they approached Joel’s house. The memories of that night meeting him by the porch comes rushing in, hammering inside her heart. But, surprisingly she finds herself walking faster towards it. Passing Maria and climbing the stairs to open the front door.

She releases a breath when the familiar space greets her.

Her drawing of him is still there by the fireplace and ‘Giants of the Past’ guidebook they got from the museum by the bookshelves.

“I had to let go of some furniture.” Maria suddenly said. She offers a glass of water which Ellie gratefully take. “But, otherwise it’s still liveable.” Ellie nods, eyes still busy absorbing the place. And the older woman takes the opportunity to do the same to the girl in front. She didn’t like what she sees. “When did you last eat?”

Ellie snaps her head at the serious tone. She knows a chiding when she hears one. “Uh…” She trailed, thinking of an answer. The chipped wall suddenly becomes much more interesting to face.

Maria scoffs. “I can’t believe this. It’s a miracle you got here safely. You look like shit, you know that?”

“Geez… Thanks for validating what I feel.”

The older woman only moves closer, hands on her hip, eyes hard. “Well, suck it up. I almost had a heart attack when I saw you by Joel’s grave. What were you thinking sleeping out there? There are wild animals that could harm you despite the walls we put. You know that. And you could freeze to death sleeping out in the cold.”

“Well, I’m fine…and I’m dressed warm enough.” Absentmindedly, she tugged the oversized jacket that she wore. Joel’s scent is still there if she inhales hard enough.

Maria noticed and deflates. Eyes close as she pinches the bridge of her nose. When they open again, her gaze has already lost its fight. “I’m taking you to the clinic. See if you’re really okay. And then we’re goin' to get food in you, you hear me?”

It wasn’t really a request so Ellie finds herself asking. “Can we postpone that? I’m not ready to meet everyone yet.” Maria gives her that look again that makes Ellie feel like a small child. Hands hiding in the pocket, she straightens. “I’m okay. I’m just…tired of walking the whole day from the Farm yesterday. I just needed more sleep.”

They exchange a silent gaze for a moment before Maria finally relents. “Get some sleep then. I’ll bring food.”

Ellie forces a smile. “I will. Thanks.”

Maria starts to walk away but stops short. “Dina and JJ are safe… They’re at Robin’s.” She provided.

“Yeah, I know.”

The older woman quirked an eyebrow. “You met them? Dina knows you’re here?”

“I saw them.”

Maria can only sigh at the lingering look crossing the girl’s face. “You plan on stayin'?”

Green eyes focus again but she couldn’t answer. She knows she should get out of Dina’s and JJ’s hair. She has nothing to offer but pain and broken pieces of herself. So, leaving should be the best solution for everyone, right?

“You should,” Maria broke her loud thoughts. “We missed you. It’d be nice if you can stay longer.”

The stubs of what once were her fingers stings. Maria doesn’t wait for an answer as she turns and finally left the house. Ellie ends up staring at the closed front door for a moment longer before realizing that her disfigured fingers hurt less than usual.

***

She didn’t get more sleep. Instead, she discarded her backpack, washed her face and walked out the door to find Tommy.

The sun has starting to come out and down the street, people are starting to trail the path to get someplace they needed to be.

_Better get a move on then._

She’s serious when she told Maria about not ready meeting anyone else. It’s better for her erratic heart and it’s easier if she needs to bail after all. No attachment and all that shit.

Expertly, Ellie treads the route all the while avoiding possible interaction. She can be fast and sneaky when she wants to. Before she knows it, she had arrived by Oxley Street. Slowing down, she moves on to the workshop where Tommy currently lives. It is an electrical shop where people can get their equipment from the Old world fixed and salvaged if they still have one. The small building is still closed and doesn’t seem like it’s about to open anytime soon.

She goes to the side of the shop and ultimately the back door. Now faced with the only thing that separates her and the person she's owed, the thudding inside her chest doubles. She waits for it to simmer down but her trembling hands make their appearance in turn.

 _Fuck_. She bit her lip before knocking against the door anyway.

Nothing but silence greets her. She knocks louder this time, nerves and anxiety the main drive, and waits. Still nothing.

“Tommy, open up!” She knocks again. But there’s still no movement from inside. “It’s me—”

The door opens right then leaving her next words unspoken.

“Ellie,” Tommy breathed. His eye widens.

She swallowed a lump in her throat. “Hey, Tommy.”

“Hey,” Tommy opens the door wider. He moves forward timidly in an attempt for a hug and Ellie meet him midways.

His hold around her isn’t as warm or strong as Joel but it’s still familiar and comforting. So, she sighs and hugs as tightly.

“Wanna come in?” Tommy asked after pulling apart.

Ellie nods and enters the shop. He motions for her to follow as he walks further inside. His left leg dragging behind him.

“Sorry, it’s a mess. Been busy.” He tries to clean the space where he brought her to. There is a work shed at the corner of the wall. Wires and tools decorating on top of the table. A small fridge across the room and a worn-out sofa not far with a throw-over, tangled. “When did you get back?” He asked as he attempts to fold it.

“Last night.”

Tommy placed the now-folded blanket on the armrest before limping his way to the small fridge. He offers a cold beer which she refused before chugging it himself. She takes the chance to examine him then. His unkempt beard, greying. His hair pulled back and longer. The scar over his blind eye now blends more with the line on his face.

“I’m staying at Joel’s,” She offered. It still hurts whenever she says his name. But, at the same time, she wants to hear it more now—is that weird? “Uh...Maria told me you made her hold on to it.”

Tommy said nothing as he takes another long sip. “Yeah, I did...didn’t know she’d still listen. It feels like a long time ago considering.”

His eye then found hers. Waiting and inquiring. Holding a single question that Ellie knows the substance of. Words jumble inside her head in a mess. She doesn’t want to disappoint him but there’s nowhere else this can go.

So, she tells the truth. “I didn’t do it. I didn’t kill her.”

Their surrounding pauses, air thickening and suffocating. He puts down his beer and looks at her again before forcing a chuckle. “You’re kidding.”

She can’t stand the dismay pouring out from him. “No, I’m not.”

“You’re fucking with me.”

“I couldn’t do it. I...don’t want to anymore.”

He frowns. Eye glazed with fury. “Why the fuck not? That bitch murdered my brother. She took Joel away from you.”

She grits her teeth. “I know what she did. I was fucking there with you.”

Tommy looks away, exasperated. He moves around the room in an attempt to calm himself down. Due to his limping, it didn’t last that long or that far. He turns to find her again. “I thought you’d understand, Ellie. I know I wasn’t being all that gentle when I came by the Farm. Maria and Dina hated me when you left. But, they don’t understand, do they? And that ain’t matter because you do. You left for both of us. _For Joel_. So, what is this shit you’re talking about?” He asked, pleading.

Ellie’s chest only hurts more. She stares down the floor. “Killing her won't bring him back.”

“ _Killing her_ will bring justice!”

His words echo the room, bouncing against the walls and shot right into Ellie. She takes a breath. “If justice means that I have to lose everything that I am, then...I don’t want it.”

“We already lost everything. What does it matter?”

“But, we haven’t…lost everything. I still have Dina and JJ and Maria. I have you…and you have me.” Ellie takes a step forward, eyes begging. “Tommy, you’re the only connection left of Joel and I— I don’t want to lose that too.”

Silence surrounds them and for a short while, Ellie thought that Tommy would reach out to her the same way she’s trying to. But, her hope vanished when he mutters, “Then you should’ve fucking kill her.”

Her heart falls. Gut churning. She can feel her body trembles but this time of something else. “You know what, fuck you! _Fuck you, Tommy!_ ” Ellie balls her hands into fists, ignoring the pain of gripping too tight is causing her missing digits. “You don’t get to put all of this on me! I’ve tried. I fucking tried…so hard. You haven’t the slightest idea the shit I go through out there. And for what? I don’t even fucking know anymore.” Her vision swims and she can't breathe. “I’m tired of being like this. I— I want to live, not with ghosts but with people that I love... I want to move on.”

Tommy grimaced like he’s in pain himself. “So, you’re just…giving up? You let her go—“

“I let her go for me. For my fucking peace. I deserve it.” She wipes the tears that managed to break free angrily, though it lasted only for a while. The fire is now gone and only left her body drained. She waits until he looks at her. “And so do you… How much more do you want to lose?”

Tommy sags as if his life has just been suck out of him. His eyes focus at an invisible point somewhere above her shoulder. Lost and empty. Into a place that no one but him would know.

She could take a guess of where that place might be and just maybe they’re not that much different. She wonders if this is his way to survive what has been taken away from him so brutally. If this is the only way to stop the guilt ultimately consume everything in its path.

“This isn’t on you.” She tried.

Tommy looks like he’s been slapped across the face. “The hell it ain’t,” He spat but his voice shakes. His jaw works back and forth as he reaches down at his waist. “My gun was right there...I could've done something the moment those bastards startin' to look at us differently. But, I’m useless and too fucking slow.”

Ellie didn’t bother to wipe away the new set of tears streaming down her face and Tommy mirrors her. He drops unceremoniously down the sofa. Bent over and hands covering his face in silence save for his shaking shoulders.

She sits close by his side. Her hands clasping in a loose hold in front as she lets Tommy’s quiet sob fills the room.

***

Maria fussed over her when she got back to the house. It was understandable since the sun was considerably low over the horizon when she arrived.

She only realized that she had spent quite some time over at Tommy’s when she treaded the well-lit streets on the way back. They didn’t talk much, after. And he didn’t bother to open his shop for the day. Instead, he went on to his work shed and showed her how he fixed a DVD player that got send two days ago. And time just flew by.

She told Maria as much making the older woman to finally calm down. But, not before dragging her to a seat at the dining area and shoves a wrapped sandwich on her face.

“I made it.” Maria offered.

With no chance of escaping, Ellie takes a bite of her first meal for the day—maybe more than a day, she doesn’t really remember. In between bites, she told Maria everything that she couldn’t before. Maria listens attentively. Ellie can imagine her compassionate gaze that she’s sure is there if she looks past the hearty sandwich. But, she keeps her focus down on her occupied hand instead.

“You okay stayin' all alone here tonight?” Maria broke the silence just as Ellie finished eating the most time-consuming sandwich ever.

She finally looks up. “Yeah,” But, Maria gives her a look, somehow disagree. “Don’t worry… I’ll lock the door.”

The older woman glares half-heartedly. “Okay, smartass.”

With one last advice not to forget to take a shower, Maria left the house. A deep sigh escapes as Ellie leans back to the chair. Her stomach full and her skin burns.

***

It was a different kind of burn and not at all what Ellie is used to.

She ignores it when she stands over the running shower and when she pats her body dry. She even ignores it when they’re starting to make her joints ache as she puts on her nightshirt. Whatever it is, it didn’t go away as she finally lay in bed and closed her eyes.

And then she was dreaming.

 _Of him_. Of flames.

She didn’t remember what it was exactly. But, it made her whimper and ragged. A wave of nausea had accompanied the experience and she swings her legs over the bed, striding to the bathroom. Seconds later, she heaves over the toilet bowl. All the contents of what she last ate splash inside. She doesn’t know how long she stayed there, retching and dry-heaving. Only when her stomach settled did she finally stop.

Still on the floor, she leans back against the opened door with a tired sigh. Her face is sticky and glistened with sweat. But, she doesn’t have the energy to stand again and wash her face by the sink. So, she wipes them clean with the sleeve of her shirt instead.

Since even the bed seems too far away now, her head slides down the floor for a quick rest, at least until she regains her energy to move again. Easily, her heavy lids close and then soon after, sleep claimed before she can acknowledge the cool tiles pressing against her cheek.

And then she was dreaming again.

Flashes of images more vivid than before crossing at the back of her mind. She sees Joel. Of the time that they spend together. The stories that they shared. And the many lessons that he gave her.

Vaguely, she remembers waking up to find herself back in bed. Tucked in warmly with a cool weight on her forehead. She tries to move it, but her arms wouldn’t leave the comfort they’re trapped in. A weak murmur is all she managed.

“Shh…” A disembodied voice coos somewhere near. “Just rest now, kiddo.”

It awfully resembles Joel’s voice or maybe she’s still dreaming. She did as was told and let the darkness envelop her further.

Dina comes in her dreams too and it feels like Ellie never left. She can feel Dina’s soft black hair beneath her fingers. Sees her smile and her pout. JJ’s little nose and his shiny black eyes. Hears his giggles.

Ellie sees them all.

***

The warmth feels too much now, stifling.

With a groan, she swats the blanket away and slowly pushes herself up. Cool air immediately slaps her body and she feels a bit better even though there is still a soft pounding beneath her temple.

“Oh, good. You’re awake.”

Ellie snaps her head towards the voice and found Maria by the door. The older woman walks closer and placed the tray she’s been holding on the bedside table. There are a few used strips of clothes and some other stuff there too.

“How do you feel?” Maria asked, seating by the bed and reaching out to feel the girl’s forehead.

“Sweaty.” Ellie croaked. Her shirt snugs uncomfortably.

“That’s good.”

“I’m disgusting.”

“I agree.” Ellie groans in embarrassment. “Why don’t you go take a shower? Think you can manage that by yourself?”

“I guess.” It came out more like a question as green eyes flicker around the room uncertainly, trying to remember what happened to her. She finds Maria last. “Uh…what happened?”

Maria raised an eyebrow. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Falling asleep…on the bathroom floor.”

“You have a fever. It’s been two days since I found you there. You really need to stop sleeping in strange places.”

It all makes sense now. The dreams that she can’t quite recall is still playing at the back of her mind. Absentmindedly, she rubs her temple to ease the thudding inside. “I’ve never been sick before.”

“Well, I guess you’re not immune to everything, huh.”

Ellie finds herself chuckling softly. “Guess so.” The levity soon evaporates when she finds waiting gaze with an unreadable expression. “What?”

Maria looks at Ellie as if she can see her very soul. “You wanna tell me anytin’ else that might slip your mind?”

When the older woman glances down, Ellie flinched, noticing late of her expose fingers—or the lack of ones. She looks away, cursing silently. “No, not really.”

“Ellie…”

“It doesn’t matter, Maria… Whatever the cause, it’s done.” She disposes the sweat-covering blanket off her body and gets up, not planning to share that broken part of her with the older woman ever. “I’ll be in the shower.”

***

She feels a little bit better after the shower. 

Her temperature has gone back to normal and she eats her lunch with Maria. They talk over mundane things before Ellie asked the more important ones. Like, is Dina back on patrol? And who takes care of JJ if she is? Basically everything related to them both.

Ellie didn’t bother for subtlety and she is eternally grateful when Maria provides her with the information. Even more so, when the older woman didn’t pry her more of it and other things.

When Maria finally left, she spends the remaining of the day alone in the house with nothing but her thoughts. It was excruciating to the point that she finds herself pacing, leaving a hole on the floor. Debating to leave or seek Dina. To stay or do nothing. To go and buy something JJ would like or to do everything at once.

So instead, she wills her mind to fill with something else. Her steps brought her around the house through the rooms and halls as her eyes brighten, taking everything that’s left.

Most of Joel’s stuff has been donated. His tools and the guitars he made are all gone. Sold and traded. But not everything. Not his books. ‘Space Guide for Dummies’, ‘Carving’ and other manuals on woodwork are still there.

She piles them up in stacked and carries them to the almost barren living room. A soft thud echoes the space as she placed them down the floor before she joins them too. She skims through her choice and stops when her eyes caught something.

‘A Guitar Maker’s Manual’ it says.

Crossing her legs to settle more comfortably, she flips open the first page and starts reading. Maybe she can start making her own.

***

The next morning, Ellie wakes up to the sound of children’s chatters out the streets. Her nose is scratchy against rough papers and her back sore from the hardwood floor. With a groan, she takes away the book resting on her face and gets up.

The sun is already high and is peeking out from the windows making her squints at the glaring light coming through. For a moment, she stays seated taking her surroundings. Books splattered across her and three more stacks up as her makeshift pillow. The joints in her neck scream of what a bad choice that was.

And so did her spine. Rubbing the aching spot did nothing to ease it. Eventually, she gives up and heads upstairs to ready herself for the day. As she goes through her routine, a beginning of a headache slowly makes its existence known. So, once fresh and with a new set of clothing Ellie instantly swallowed the pills that Maria provided for her recovery. They are supposed to be taken after a meal. But, water is all she has at the moment so it’ll have to do.

Now that she thinks about it, this house could use more stuff than just food. The market should be opened by now and she can get some household items there. But, the place is no doubt going to be pack with people, especially at this time of day.

More than that, she will surely walk past the town’s nursery school where Dina currently works. Maria had told that Dina chose to work there so she can spend more time with JJ. It was an understandable choice since both Robin and Eleanor, Jesse’s mother aren’t around the house 24/7.

Maybe Ellie could pay the nursery a visit.

The stumps of her mutilated fingers tingle a numbing pain. Instinctively, she rubs them to soothe it out.

Maybe she shouldn’t. Dina has made it pretty clear the day Ellie left them. And emptying the Farm was a nail in the coffin. No matter how much she hopes for, they could never go back to being a family.

Sighing, she empties her glass and walks out of the kitchen.

***

It was late noon when Ellie decides to go out by the porch. She had taken a chair and a small table outside to continue studying the manuals. Figures the change of air could do well for her concentration.

As she finally takes a seat, she waits for her heart to beat a fitful agony and for her hands to shudder.

But, neither happens.

So, she focuses down her book and begins. Taking notes and adding new ones into the existing summaries. It feels weird to see Joel’s handwriting beside hers. She couldn’t pinpoint what it is exactly, but for once it’s not painful anguish.

It wasn’t long before she got drown by a sea of letters and pictures that something at the corner of her eye caught her attention. She looks up and blinks a few times wondering if her eyes are playing tricks on her. Because there's no way that the last person who would want anything to do with her is there, in fact closing in by the second.

She freezes in her seat at the fast-approaching Dina who looks like she could damage a horde of infected with just her gaze alone—which Ellie noticed late is locked right at her.

 _Shit_. She instantly gets up to meet Dina entering the porch.

“Hey,” Ellie greets. Her hands hang around at the side awkwardly before she settles inside the pockets of her jeans.

“ _Hey?_ ” Dina echoed, incredulously. She had her hair in a neat ponytail. A pink blouse tucked in black jeans that hug her figures beautifully. Her brown eyes glazed the wrath that seems to only deepen, but it makes her more stunning than Ellie can remember. “Is that all you have to say? _Hey_?” Dina continues dangerously.

“I— I don’t…” she couldn’t form coherent words, still lost in those eyes that she had missed for the past six months and still counting. Ellie would gladly die by this woman’s hands and she’d have no regrets.

Dina moves closer and Ellie holds her breath. “You were gone for _half a year_ and when you came back, I had to hear the news from Robin. I thought you didn’t even want to see me. But, now I just know from Maria that you said you _saw me_ _four days ago_. So, you saw me but didn’t even bother to show me your face. What, greeting me is beneath you now?”

“Wh—what, _no_.” Ellie quickly corrected and swallowed. “I thought… I dropped by the Farm but it was empty. You and JJ weren’t there.”

“I wonder why.” Dina quipped.

Okay, she deserved that. Ellie has so many things to apologize for and she doesn’t know if words alone would cut for it. She stares down the ground. “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me after...” she stops short.

The air pause around them and Ellie isn’t ready to face the hate she knows is going to be there. But then, Dina breaks the silence. “How about next time you let me decide that.”

She finally looks up to brown eyes again. There is no ire beneath them anymore, instead, it was the opposite. Her heart swells a little and she managed a nod.

They end up staring at one another for a lingering moment. The silence stretches but neither seems to want to break it. Ellie’s chest feels like it’s about to burst with peace and longing at the same time as she fully takes in the other girl. She thought she saw something similar in Dina’s too.

“Um…do you want some coffee?”

Dina blinks, seeming to remember where she was and of the invitation. “You hate coffee.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m offering it to you.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Dina’s mouth or maybe Ellie was hoping for too much. But, Dina accepted the offer so she invites the girl inside and goes straight to the kitchen.

Her eyes flicker at the cabinets frantically, trying to remember where she had put the coffee jar. She opens the top cupboard and releases a breath, relieved when a clear glass jar filled with black powder comes into view.

Carefully, Ellie takes it with her good hand as Dina enters the kitchen at that moment. She can feel the other girl’s presence walking around the area from behind her. When she finally turns, Dina was holding the packets of medicine that she had left by the counter.

“How’s your fever?” Dina asked. Concern and something else crosses her features.

“It’s gone…” Ellie assured. “Just a little bit of headache left.”

Dina moves closer to stand by her side as if wanting to reach out but decided against it at the last minute.

Ellie looks down to the coffee jar in her hands then. “I still got so much coffee left.” She tried for a change of topic, offering a small smile. “I don’t know why I traded this much when I don’t even drink it.”

Dina definitely smiles at that even though it came out sad. Remembering the task at hand, Ellie busies herself again.

She needs a cup and a pot.

There is a cup in the drawer but no pot anywhere else. _Fuck_ , she should’ve gone to the market earlier.

In her haste and clumsiness, she didn’t notice the drawer that she had left open and it ends up hitting her in the stomach when she turns to move. It was just her luck that her old wound takes most of the impact. She hisses in pain as she doubles over, her hand covering the sharp aching of where it comes from.

“Ellie!” Dina rushes forward, taking Ellie into her hold. “You okay?”

Black spots cover her vision and she leans back the counter with Dina’s help. “Y—Yeah, it’s fine.”

Dina is still close, not believing any of it. Her hands are placed on Ellie’s arms which are still around her middle. “Let me take a look at that.” Dina offered.

Green eyes find concern brown ones. “I’m okay. Just give me a moment.” She breathed out.

Dina said nothing. Her gaze has found the hamsa bracelet that Ellie still unashamedly wears. But the girl doesn’t let go, her hands still in contact, touching in a soothing manner now.

It works wonder when her body calms almost immediately and Ellie can finally breathe easier. As she finally came to, she noticed late that the gentle hands have now stopped. Dina is clasping her wrist now, the one with the disfigured fingers.

“What happened…” Dina trailed as her eyes widen in horror. They flicker further down her palm, another nasty chemical burn where she had covered her second bite mark.

Ellie pries her hand away. A new sense of dread taking hold. “It’s nothing.”

The worry in those brown eyes dissipates only to be replaced by the fury Ellie last saw at the porch. And it multiplied when Dina speaks, “Is it worth it?”

“What?” She hides her maimed hand away from view, not wanting to cause the girl any distress.

Dina only seems to be offended by it all the more. “Is everything worth it? Is it really worth losing pieces of yourself over her?”

The memories of the last months assault Ellie in waves then. She understands where Dina’s rage is coming from. After all, she had left them, the loves of her life, in pursuit of something that she thought would patch her back together.

As terrible as it was, she realized now how much she needed it. She wouldn’t be here now if she didn’t leave. The only regret she has is it ends up hurting the people that she cares about. Leaving Dina and JJ behind is never going to be worth anything in this damned world.

And sure her body will never be as whole ever again. But, her soul is slowly mending itself back. She can feel them changing beneath her skin. So, she finds Dina’s waiting gaze and said truthfully. “Yes…it is.” Her shoulders feel considerably lighter as she spoke the words.

It clearly doesn’t have a similar effect as Dina’s face fell. Ellie opens her mouth to explain but the other girl had already moved away. And before she knows it, she is left alone in the kitchen.

 _Fuck_. “Dina, wait.” Ellie runs after the girl and out of the house. “Dina!” Her desperate call is ignored and she has to sprint down the stairs and grab Dina’s arm to make the girl stop.

Dina yanks it away seconds later. Brown eyes glazed and in pain. “I don’t want to see you ever again.”

Ellie feels like she had just been hit by a baseball bat. She can only watch helplessly as Dina slowly disappears down the street.

Now she knows what a terrible view it is watching the person you care about walks away from you.

***

Sitting by the stairs now, she stares ahead at nothingness and then down the streets where she last saw Dina. People walk by, glancing and talking in soft murmurs but she didn’t care. Her mind busy and in a mess. She contemplates on going after the girl.

It’s still late noon so Dina might have gone back to the nursery school. The thought of the other girl leaving her workplace in a state of fury to confront her, left Ellie in shame. She should have toughened up and knocked against the front door that night.

Maybe then Dina would be more receptive of what she has to say. And maybe Dina wouldn’t store so much unresolved anger.

 _Damn it_. Her head hurts again. She cradles it with both her hands, curling further into her knees. In the darkness behind her closed lids, she sees Dina clearly. Her beautiful face, her smile; sad and worry. She hears her voice; feels her lingering touch on her skin.

Slowly, Ellie straightens. A new resolution washes over. She pushes herself up to stand and walks down the street. Each step is faster than the next, desperate to find the person that is worth fighting for.

***

Dina is not at the nursery. She had taken the rest of the day off and went back home with JJ. So, Ellie finds herself walking to familiar streets like she was four days ago. Only this time she intends on making herself known.

Finally arriving at Robin’s front door in record time, she knocks against it. Loud and urgent. A few moments later, it finally creaks open revealing Dina behind it.

If looks could kill. “I have nothing to say to you.”

Before Dina can slam the door to her face, Ellie acts fast and already holds it off. “I have.” She said, softly.

Dina fixed her a glare that lacks the poison. “And why the fuck should I even care?”

“You shouldn’t,” being this close, she can’t help but notice how slightly puff out Dina’s eyes are and her heart tugged at the sight. “But, you deserve to know the truth. And I won't...I promise you'll never have to see me again."

Dina looks away as if she couldn't bear looking at her much longer. Hope slithers away from Ellie before suddenly, the door opens wider. Dina walks inside without a word, leaving her behind.

It takes Ellie a moment and a few deep breaths later before she finally enters the house and closed the door.

“No one’s home.” Dina provided, arms crossing.

Hesitantly, Ellie walks closer to the living area. To the girl standing in the middle of the room. “Oh…and JJ?”

“Upstairs, sleeping.”

She stops far enough, not wanting to invade any more of the girl’s space. “How is he?”

“I just said; he’s sleeping.”

A bitter taste is left inside her mouth at the defensive tone but Ellie knows she deserved it. She looks down. “Right.” 

Not a moment after, a sigh comes out from Dina. “JJ’s doing okay,” she said, considerably softer this time.

Ellie meets her gaze. “That’s good.”

“Yeah… He’s walking now too.”

She tries to picture JJ’s tiny hands and short feet flailing around in effort. _Walking_. Her lips upturned the barest of lift.

Dina noticed her expression. “What?”

“Nothing,” she shrugs. “Just tryin' to imagine him walking…with that big belly of his.”

Brown eyes narrow into slits. “Are you saying my son is fat?” Ellie’s grin only widens. “Well, fuck you. He’s your son too.”

The words already left Dina’s mouth before she can register what it means. But, Ellie finds herself still smiling, unperturbed by the slipup. “I blame his Mama’s cooking.”

Dina mirrors it. “Oh, shut up.”

They stare at one another, basking the familiarity that never left or rather that came back. But, soon the easiness slowly seeps out and is replaced by heavy silence that holds a million unspoken words.

Ellie looks away, unable to hold onto Dina’s hurtful gaze anymore. She tries to collect herself and tumbles over the things happening inside her head, wondering where the hell she should begin. Her eyes flicker to a picture frame by the cupboard. Jesse is there in it. His arms crossed over his chest, his face beaming with happiness and she finds herself remembering the nightmare of Seattle all over again.

“You asked me if it was worth it, leaving you and JJ behind.”

Dina shifted her stance, eyes hardening by the second. “And you said it was.”

Ellie nods. “But not the way you think it is, Dina.”

Dina huffs. “Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, Ellie? You looked like you haven’t eaten in a year, all bones and sharp edges. And not only that, you’re missing fingers too. Who knows what other limbs you’ve lost or scars underneath those clothes I’ll find if you ever let me. And you tell me, losing yourself all of that is worth it? Killing her is all worth it in the end? Leaving your son behind is worth it?”

By the time Dina is finished, she was panting hard. Brown eyes were glazed but no matter what, the tears didn’t escape. Whether it was by sheer hatred or otherwise, Ellie couldn’t guess. Her insides begin to burn a familiar pain.

“JJ won’t ever get to know his father because of me,” Ellie mutters. “I never…JJ deserves the world and you deserve more. I left because I was selfish. I thought I can fix myself, and in a sick twisted way it kinda did.”

Dina laughs, hollow and painful making Ellie flinched. “Are you fucking kidding me? So all is well now? You left for an honourable cause and murder the bitch for all of us? Is that it?”

“No!” Ellie shouted, stepping closer but stopped when Dina steps back instead. “It’s not, Dina. That’s not what I… I didn’t—I didn’t kill Abby. I couldn’t do it.” She looked away suddenly ashamed, of what she didn’t know.

Dina froze. “Wha—What?”

“I had her pinned down. She was choking…drowning and I watched her suffer. But, I was so fucking tired back then and even if she’s the one dying, I can feel my own life slipping away from me more than her.” Emerald orbs meet brown ones. “I couldn’t do it.”

A pregnant pause filled the living room. Ellie looks away again when she couldn’t face the swirling emotion that is happening in that dark gaze anymore. Absentmindedly, she trails the burned skin on her tattooed forearm with the tip of her fingers. The hidden bite mark that started the period of her miserable life.

“I was supposed to die so they can make a cure out of me. I was ready to die if only they asked. But, they didn’t and Joel saved me and brought me here… I hated him when I found out. I tortured him _two years_ for it. I didn’t speak to him, I treated like he never existed. Everything that could’ve pained him, I did it in spite. I hate him so much I don’t even want to understand why he did it.” She swallowed a lump in her throat before continue, still not meeting the other girl. “Joel would still be alive if I wasn’t...”

Dina steps closer. “Ellie…it’s not your fault.”

“But, it is.”

“Ellie—”

“It was. That’s what I felt ever since Joel’s gone.”

Her hands tremble but she balls it into fists. Now that she has started, she doesn’t want to stop. “And then when I was finally ready to forgive him, he died. And I was angry at everything. At those people. At Abby. _At him_. Because why did he have to fucking die before I can forgive him? And he’d never have to go through all that in the first place if he didn’t save me... He gave me life and then he took it away all over again.”

The intensity beneath her skin is infuriating. Her vision swims and she couldn’t even see Dina anymore behind the glassy layers but she keeps going. “And then I dragged you, Jesse, Tommy and even Maria into it. I was so blinded by…the thought of him, brutally taken away from me that—If only I realized what a bad decision that was. Nothing would ever bring Joel back and the time…that I lost because of my fucking pride will never come back.”

Something warm gently cradled her face and wipes the tears off. Ellie leans further into the touch, closing her eyes. “Hey, it’s okay.”

She opens her eyes to find Dina’s broken look and tear-stained face. “I’m—I'm sorry, Dina. I'm sorry I left. I shouldn’t but I needed it…for myself. I needed to finish it and I have now. But...even then—even after…I’m still fucking selfish and hurt you so much.”

Dina reaches down to her disfigured hand, holding it with such gentleness that makes Ellie’s chest constricted. But, the pain fades when Dina leans forward and pulls her close. Her other hand wraps around Ellie’s waist.

A choked sob escapes Ellie uninvited. She buries it and herself in the crook of Dina’s neck and holds the girl as tight.

“You’re okay,” Dina whispered, again and again, tightening the hold around her impossibly closer. It was suffocating but Ellie has never felt more alive.

***

The sun blooms over the horizon, golden petals stretching outwards into the rich blue. Soft rays pour down to branches of trees, houses and shops. Little by little the residence of Jackson County pours out of their safe haven and falls into another routine for the day.

Down the nursery school, chatters of children are starting to become a noise that soon will become undisciplined if they are left unattended any longer. Ellie stands by the small garden, basking in the sun as she just finished watering the flowers when another scream broke from inside the school. She grimaced at the chaos. Luckily, there are glass windows and thick walls separating them so she doesn’t have to deal with any of it. She’s here for JJ not those little fuckers.

Speaking of the devil, her head tilts back to the main gate for the many times since she came to the school. But still, no sight of Dina and her son.

Ellie walks away to fetch another round of water as her mind recalls what happened yesterday.

Dina had held her for some time even after both their tears had dried. She didn’t know for how long they stood in each other’s arms but she can still feel Dina’s warmth and the safety cocooning her till this moment and she will forever be thankful to the girl.

Just then, the water overflows the watering can and Ellie hurries to turn the tap off. She walks back to the garden and continues her work as her mind goes back to Dina and her warmth.

They could’ve stayed like that forever if Eleanor hadn’t chosen to come home at that moment. Ellie remembered how awkward it was after; Eleanor hugging her tight and keep asking her to stay for dinner even as she said that Maria will be waiting for her. She thought she would never get to escape that house if Dina hadn’t step up and saved her—again.

They only share a last; _“I’ll see you around?”_ which Ellie had mumbled a _“Yeah, okay.”_ And then she finds herself walking to Maria’s house next, asking the older woman for any available work at the nursery school. Every second passing by without being able to see JJ and Dina feel like a waste. She couldn’t stay away. Not anymore.

So, here she is. Taking on the role of _something_. Ellie doesn’t quite know what she is supposed to be responsible for. Because they already had a gardener—a grumpy old man who nearly bites her head off when she came to report to him at first sunlight. Maria might’ve warned her about it but Ellie couldn’t care less. The prospect of being close to her family overweighs everything else. She can handle one cranky old man.

A familiar figure enters her line of vision then. Across, Dina is entering the front gate, cradling JJ in one arm. A smile spread on both mother and son as they walk further, greeting the people along the way. Ellie softens at the sight.

“Girl! Are you done yet?” Someone calls from behind and Ellie holds back a groan. “There’s another garden at the back.”

As Dina and JJ disappeared inside the building, Ellie finally turns and walks towards the waiting old man. His hair, white and so does his beard where it settles on his chest and a cane to support his weight. She fixed him a glare. “It’s Ellie.”

“Well then, _it’s Ellie_ , why don’t you get a move on now. My plants are going to die at the rate you’re going.” He retorted and starts to walk away but not before mumbling a “Christ, even I can move twice as fast.”

Ellie rolls her eyes and heads on to save plants.

***

It was late morning when she finally able to run off and get into the building in search of the reason why she’s here in the first place. A few corners and doors later, Ellie arrived at a room. It was smaller than the rest and that’s because the occupants are not for excited and unruly ten-year-olds but for toddlers. Just three of them in fact.

One of which is JJ. Her potato.

Slowly, Ellie opens the door and hovers. There is a woman she doesn’t know overlooking the children but green eyes can see nothing but JJ, taking him in.

He is definitely bigger, and taller as he moves to stand and rush forward to a destination, little arms and feet in adorable coordination. She finds herself smiling, committing the image of him walking—no, _running_ —to memory replacing the imagined ones.

Soon, the world around her fades into background noise. The only thing worth noting is his squeals and babbling. When he suddenly stumbles, she finds herself reaching out but stops short when he already stands up and dash forward again. But, this time closer to the door. To her.

Ellie freezes in her spot and JJ keeps on going, away from the caretaker and closer to her. The woman doesn’t notice as her attention is on the other two toddlers playing with each other.

JJ, on the other hand, doesn’t see anything but the opened door and the world behind it, so Ellie goes down on her knee entering his line of vision. His steps falter for a while. His black orbs shine and his mouth grows an excited chatter right after before he goes off again, closing the remaining distance between them.

He lands unceremoniously against her chest and into her arms. She stands, cradling him more securely and looks down to her world. “Hello there, handsome guy.”

JJ looks up, eyes gleaming and both his hands on her face. His dark brown hair is longer and covers more of his forehead. His touch lingers on the scar of her right eyebrow. “Ma…ear.”

She releases a breath, chuckling. “Hi, little spud,” and planted long kisses on his chubby cheek. When he squirms, she blows raspberry onto it bringing his delight laughter.

“Ellie?” Someone suddenly calls. She quickly leans away to find Dina standing close by the hallway. Brown gaze flickers down to JJ and then back up at her in surprise. “What’re you doing here?”

Ellie shifts her stance. “Hey,” she greets awkwardly as JJ is now playing with the strand of her short hair.

The woman from the room finally noticed the missing baby and the new addition just outside. “Dina, everything okay?” She asked, doesn’t know what to make of the situation. “I didn’t realize the door is opened. I thought JJ was still in the room.”

“I opened the door…sorry.” Ellie interrupted.

Dina smiles at the woman then. “I got this. Thanks.”

With a short nod, she turns back inside and closes the door behind her leaving the three out in the hallways again.

For a while, JJ’s babble is the only thing that envelops them, Ellie is too enthralled by the boy in her arms until Dina finally breaks the silence.

“So…are you going to answer my question or not?”

Green eyes finally left JJ. “I work here... I just started today.”

Dina’s eyebrow rose. “ _You_ , in a nursery?”

“Can’t be picky, I guess.” She shrugged though Dina’s gaze is telling. It turns awkward and tense when the girl in front stared some more before settling at her son. JJ on the other hand seems to only lean more comfortably in Ellie’s hold. Moving on to smack her cheeks with his tiny palms. He doesn’t even seem to realize his other Mother’s presence.

Ellie’s brow furrowed. “Is it…is it okay if I do work here, that is?” Though Ellie missed them both terribly, she doesn’t want to inflict herself back in their life if Dina isn’t willing. No matter what, she knows nothing can be the same ever again. So if Dina wants—

“I think it will be.” The said girl’s voice cuts through. Their eyes meet for a moment. “Don’t you think?”

Ellie’s heart burns a glorious warmth. “Yeah…I think it will.” She shifted the boy in her arms higher to plant another kiss. Loud and long making JJ squirmed in protest. “He’s grown so much,” she said with a proud smile.

Dina shares it. “Well, I’d be worried if he isn’t.”

“Just, not too fast I hope.” She grasps his little fingers on her face, rubbing them with her thumb gently and her heart soars further at the contact. She looks up to find Dina watches over them with peaceful gaze and wishes she can stop the time to appreciate the beautiful sight.

The moment, however, is interrupted by a walking figure emerging behind Dina down the hallways.

“That motherfucker,” Ellie mutters with disbelief.

Dina turns to find where she’s looking at. “Bruce?”

“How is he moving so fucking fast?” The cranky old man is now halfway through towards them. His steps and cane thud in a steady beat against the floor.

Reluctantly, she pulls JJ away and into Dina’s. JJ whines but as soon as he noticed who it was he’s being handed to, he relaxed. Babbling a Mama and other syllables nonsensically.

“I better go and find out what else he wants from me.”

“Be nice,” Dina warns her. “Bruce’s a gentle guy.”

Ellie frowns. “We talkin’ about the same Bruce?”

“Girl, c’mere!” Bruce hollered, making her winced at the noise. “Don’t make me walk all the way there.”

Ellie throws one last look at Dina to prove her point before finally heading towards the old man. She is only half listening as Bruce talks something of importance. Busy stealing another glance over her shoulder to find Dina still looking back with JJ in her arms, painting impeccable scenery.

Everything else seems trivial.

***

Sweats trail down her forehead and the side of her face, and Ellie wipes them off with her sleeve. She’s crouching as she puts another sunflower’s seed into the soil before buries it back. Satisfied, she moves on to the next spot, 15cm in distance to do the same thing.

Yes, Bruce made sure she brings a ruler along with a spade. _That old shit_.

Every time she spades the soil, the skin of her hands itches by the coarse material of the glove she wears. The heat pouring from above her head only adds her irritation. But, she doesn’t stop. The only thing keeping her going is the fact that if she were to glance up, she can see both Dina and JJ through the glass windows of the building across.

When Dina noticed her working out there and then point JJ to what she’d found, he bounced up and down from the inside of the room. Ellie’s heart did the same thing and she waved in return before crouching down the ground again.

She just finished putting the last seed when everything around her seems to change. A single gunshot rang and instinctively she stands. Eyes wide and heart pounded so violently like it was about to burst out from her chest. And then, she hears the bloodcurdling scream of a man.

Down the seeded ground there is a WLF soldier that she doesn’t know, writhing in pain as his right torso remains in chunks. She’d use her shotgun. And he was too close. The red of the blood is so thick, they pooled beneath his mutilated body and soiled the ground that Ellie feels like she’s drowning in them.

“Ellie, breathe.” Someone said as her throat rasp painfully. Her hands clench tight, nails digging through the skin. “Breathe. In and out.” The voice said soothingly. She closes her eyes tight and does as told.

In. Out. In. Out. Repeat.

When the air seems to finally get inside her lungs normally and she’s ready to open her eyes again, her nightmare is gone. Instead, she finds familiar brown eyes. All warm with honey flecks. Dina’s hands clasped in a strong hold as Ellie absorb the comfort to reach her slowly calming heart.

“I heard—I heard a gunshot.”

“No shot. No guns. Just kids… You’d be surprised the type of noise they can make.”

Faintly, she hears the shouting and laughing of children happily somewhere the premise. She sighs tiredly.

“You okay?” Dina asked.

The concern lacing the girl’s feature and the familiar situation they’re in brings Ellie back to the last time Dina tries to comfort her, and for once she wanted to offer the same. “It’s good.” She starts, forcing a smile. “Haven’t had any excitements in a while.” But, the attempt at lightheartedness fell flat and the brown gaze in front becomes more saddened if that’s possible. “I’m okay,” Ellie assured again, firmer this time.

Dina finally nods, seeming to believe her now. The hold of their hands breaks apart and down to the side but they still didn’t move from each other’s space. Ellie looks down the ground where her discarded gloves are left with her other tools.

“Do you have plans after work?”

She blinks and finds Dina. “Uh…yeah, no. I have to finish my reading.”

“I’m cooking dinner.”

“Okay…good to know.” She trailed, doesn’t know where this is going.

Dina rolls her eyes. “You’re getting the chicken.”

“Oh?” Her lips twitch, already forgetting the reason that brought the girl here in the first place. “Okay...you need anythin' else?”

The girl pauses in serious thought. “No. I have everything else.”

It all happened so fast and Ellie doesn’t know if this is really happening, but she mutters an “Okay,” anyway.

And then as fast as she came, Dina left.

***

The market is bustling with life—of people, who are in a constant move across the road and in their stations. Ellie walks down the square moving between the stallholders and stops by her first stall. A vegetable stall that set their turnips, carrots and more greens, that she can’t remember the names of, down the display table.

She hesitates whether she should buy some of it or not. But, since Dina only said she needed the chicken and nothing more, Ellie left the vegetable stall and heads on further to the one that has what she really needs instead.

The footpaths are slightly crowded. Green eyes flicker around to study the almost milling throng. Some of the people find her gaze and move on and some give her a short curt of acknowledgement. But most of them didn’t even notice her existence.

At that, Ellie breathes a little easier.

When she finally arrives at the meat shop, another familiar face is already there, waiting for his order.

“Tommy,” She greets softly.

The man turns his head and gives her an almost smile. “Hey, Ellie.”

She moves to stand next to him. “Mike, can I get a chicken, please?”

Mike doesn’t look up from chopping over the big pieces of meat. “Sure. Want me to cut it up for you?”

Ellie pauses in thought. Dina didn't actually share what it is that she intends to cook and how she wants them. “Uh…no, that’s fine.” She can do the cutting if Dina needs it.

As Mike does his work in silence familiarity, she takes the chance to glance once in a while at her side where Tommy is constantly shifting his cane to stand more steadily. Of course, she doesn’t realize he’s stealing some of his own too.

“You cookin’ a meal?” Tommy breaks the silence.

“No. Not for the life of me.” Ellie meets his gaze. “It’s…Dina’s cooking. How ‘bout you?”

He rubs his neck, contemplating and then, “Maria…”

That sounds about right. “We’re pathetic.”

Tommy chuckles softly. “Guess it’s a family trait now.”

Something inside her sways at his comment and she looks down to hide whatever might come out from her face.

“Even Joel…” He trailed, gaze far away. “The first meal that he made was blueberry pancake. We were in middle school then. That was the last time I ever eat anythin’ he cooks.”

Ellie looks up then. Equally surprised and curious. “How was it?”

He focused back at her, grimacing slightly. “It tasted like eating paper with a muddy sand spread.”

“That’s…really specific.”

“I got a serious case of diarrhoea afterwards. It’s where your shit goes all liquidy and—“

“Okay, gross. I know what diarrhoea is.”

There is a ghost of a smile from his profile and she mirrors it. When Mike finally hands over Tommy’s order, the older man stays and waits until she got hers. She didn’t say anything about it and neither did him.

“Enjoy your dinner.” Tommy bids once they had to go separate paths.

“You too.”

Only after he disappeared among the sea of people did she finally turned and trod the path back. Her conversation with Tommy fills her mind and chest all the way.

Just as she is about to exit the market, a flower stall caught her attention. Her feet move into her own accord and absentmindedly she reaches for the bouquet of wildflowers displayed on the table.

The variation of colours in her hand is a lovely sight and she's sure Dina would’ve liked it. But, it might’ve been overkill. After all, she got the girl a whole chicken already. She puts down the bouquet and picks out a single large bright orange tulip for JJ instead.

Now satisfied with both her hands full, Ellie continues walking. Up the horizon the dying sunlight seeps out all over the sky, giving way to the existence of starlight all the more clearly. They blanket her as she lets the familiar road guides her way back.

To Dina and JJ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Screen fades to black. Roll credit.
> 
> Now, I can finally get a peaceful sleep. I hope the same for you. Thanks for stopping by. Until next time, lovelies!


End file.
